查看完整版本: I'm Asian and I hate Asian culture because of my parents

I'm Asian and I hate Asian culture because of my parents

r/confession
I'm Asian and I hate Asian culture because of my parents
u/lnspire
Background: I'm a 19 year old college kid in the US who has immigrant Chinese parents.

My parents are pretty much the stereotypical immigrant Asian parents. They're controlling, unreasonable, patronizing, and strict. I am grateful for them taking care of me all these years, but I can't stand being around them. And let me start out by saying that I don't consider myself a spoiled brat. I go to a top university, have a 9-5 job in a big company, and I didn't even get a cell phone until I went off to college.

My parents are always criticizing everything I do 24/7. Anything I do that isn't reading or studying is a waste of time for them, so I pretty much can't do anything during my daily life without getting criticized.

My dad is extremely arrogant and treats me like I'm a 5 year old. But at least he's somewhat reasonable and stable. What has really been driving me insane though is the fact that my mom is emotionally unstable. She's extremely manipulative, narcissistic, and she feeds off of other people's displeasure. She often has huge mood swings. Whenever she's in a bad mood, she takes her anger out on others. Sometimes, I'm just sitting there minding my own business when my mom just randomly chews me out for being a useless slob who can't do shit. She will find anything to yell at me for when she's not in a good mood. Just today, she saw a single sock that I dropped on the floor of my room and started screaming at me about how I'm such a filthy person who can't keep my shit together. Basically, whenever she's mad, she will throw a fucking tantrum and use others as emotional punching bags. In her twisted mind, she is above everyone else. There's no possible way for her to ever be wrong because she has no flaws. Plus she is always threatening to drop me out of college and disown me.

Even worse, she is extremely cheap and has no logic when it comes to money. She never lets me go anywhere, because gas costs money. Whenever I use a tissue and throw it away, she yells at me for "wasting" it when I can use it again (which is fucking gross). I get yelled at for working out or exercising because it costs money to wash clothes and take showers. She says shit like this on a daily basis, and it drives me insane.

I almost never talk to my parents about anything. They know nothing about my personal life at all. They often say I'm being a bad son for not talking to them, but why the fuck would I want to talk to them when all they do is criticize me and refuse to try to understand stuff from my point of view?

Unfortunately, because of my parents, I've started to have feelings of resentment for their whole culture. I hate Asian culture these days, and basically all of its customs. I hate how Asian kids are instilled with a belief that their parents are perfect people who are never wrong. I hate how anything outside of studying and reading is looked down upon as a waste of time. I hate how Asian parents pretty much see themselves as shareholders and their kids as stocks, and the kids are expected to do nothing but be be high value investments for the parents. I hate how Asian parents are always putting their kids down and comparing them to others. I hate how being quiet, submissive, and beta is encouraged in Asian culture. I hate all this "Tiger Parent" and "Confucious say" horse shit.

I know it's not rational to hate an entire culture because of my parents, but I can't really change the way I feel. I absolutely will not date an Asian girl, and I automatically get feelings of prejudice whenever I see or meet Asians. Whenever someone asks if I'm Chinese, I say no, I'm American.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I know some of my feelings are irrational, and I just wanted to get them off my chest. I am grateful for having parents who pay for college and provide me with food and shelter. In the end they are smart and hardworking people. But that doesn't mean I enjoy being around them or see them as good role models.

原帖在此

[url]https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/1j6akj/im_asian_and_i_hate_asian_culture_because_of_my/[/url]

一大堆评论。。。

copy some comments

I'm Korean and I know exactly how you feel except my mom raised me on her own and my family basically disowned her for having me at 18. But when I do see them occasionally, you can tell they look at me like I'm trash because I'm not the stereotypical skinny genius girl who loves math. Lmao.
You just have to learn when to stop giving a fuck because the situation you're in now, think about it. Its always lose lose. Either give it a try and talk to them about how they make you feel and theyll understand or they won't, and make you feel even shittier. That's when you're like fuck you. I'm out of here. Then who do you think will feel guilty for driving away their SON. You being a guy has so much advantage lol. Good luck.

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I'm a 28 year old dude finishing up my medical education and believe me it never ends. Med school isn't enough you need to be a surgeon or you are a fucking waste of skin. Then being a surgeon isn't enough because you need to be a neurosurgeon or you are a fucking waste if skin. Sometimes I wish they would have just aborted me.
Anyways, 28, single. Haven't talked to my dad since I was 14, and haven't talked to either of them since I was 24. There's something about first generation Asian immigrants that spawns the worst tyrannical emotionally abusive shit count bags that ever existed.
Seriously just get out. There is no way to win because there is no finish line. Nothing will ever be perfect and it will always be your fault.


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Same here in every way. I haven't lived at home since I was 17 (when I went to college). I'm now 26, getting my doctorate, and I have never came home. I am ruthlessly honest to my conservative chinese parents about my liberal views (as well as all the relationships I have had while in college). Every time they try to insert their chinese/eastern opinion or culture to judge me, I would cite every example of how they were wrong. That includes all the eastern medicine-bull-crap they try to teach me, which I counter with western findings and double blind studies to prove that they don't know anything. I made it a point that I am an adult now and all they can do is agree or disagree, but they can no longer influence my decisions. I point out that I have repaid all THEIR debt with my college loans, and will have an income that's 10 times greater.
I was just like you when I was 17. After years of being extremely honest to my parents, they have learned that they can disagree with me, but have to respect me. (Being en-route to becoming "successful" helped)

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I'm Chinese and that describes my parents to a T. Every last word. I had the same growing up, piano lessons, violin lessons, tutoring everyday after schoool. I never had a childhood because all my time outside of school was spent with more teachers and tutors that I didn't need. I have neither touched the piano or violin in over 20 years now due to my disdain for them.
They know nothing about my personal life either. I never tell them where I'm going, I never tell them how I'm feeling, I've never told them of any boyfriends I've had, and in their minds I'm still a 36-year old virgin because I've never had a boyfriend. I have a Ph.D. and they still treat me like i'm 5. They are the reason I never want kids, ever.
But my parents are getting older now and damn my Asian (and I guess Catholic) guilt that I have to take care of them because my sister and brother have had the right mind to escape to a different country. I keep telling them to go overseas to visit them, especially my sister who's married, so that they can leave me alone.

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Let me ask you this, have you been to China and gotten to know mainland Chinese people? I've been lving in Sichuan province for a few years now and it sounds like the problems you have with your parents come from them not adapting to America and living like they're still in China.
I think your dad's problem is that he doesn't understand the difference between American childhood and Chinese childhood. It probably hasn't registered with him that American kids start being independent way before Chinese kids and that by 19 you're most likely very prepared to take on life. In China, most kids don't start gaining independence until college, and even then they're usually expected to rely on their parents for money so that they can study all day. Some Chinese people don't start to really be adults or even live on their own until they're way into their 20s.
Your mom's emotional weirdness likely comes from a habit Chinese women have of using tantrums to get their way. I've known several Chinese women who will whine and pout when they don't get their way, and they usually eventually do. I've known a lot who are very week emotionally and don't know how to handle discomfort because of this. I sichuan it's even worse, up to the point where Sichuan men have a reputation for having "soft ears" or being succeptable to manipulation by their women. I have a feeling that your mom is just a grown version of the girls around here who will pout and have a hissy fit any time they don't get their way.
The money thing likely comes from how difficult it is to immigrate from China to America. I'd be willing to bet that unless they're super rich, your parents had to do a lot of scraping together to get enough money to immigrate and make a life in a countr who's currency is much stronger than that of their home country. That being said, it sounds like your financial situation is fine now so they should probably just get a reality check and wash some damn clothes.
As for you feeling like a long term investment....That's kind of how it is here. There really aren't many housing options for old people who can't take care of themselves so it's pretty much expected that the parents will live with their kids when they get old. Then, because of the one child policy, if the only child is a fuckup and can't support his parents, then the parents are screwed so they spend a lot of time and energy trying to make the kid successful. It's pretty fucked up to treat your kid that way if you ask me, but that's how a lot of Chinese parents think.
Essentially, I think you're mostly just experiencing the results of your parents' unwillingness to adjust to American ways of thinking.

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I don't have anything specific to your situation, but a comment about immigrant Chinese.
I married an immigrant Chinese woman who I met while she was in America in grad school. She was sweet and agreeable while we dated. The marriage was hell. My ex wife reminds me a lot of your mom. She wasn't as bad in some ways, but way worse in others that are terrible for marriages, such as constant lies, sexual infidelities, and pilfering money.
Digression: The psychological diagnosis of psychopath uses a set of about a dozen possible behaviors, things like extreme self destructive lying, extreme promiscuity, etc. If you demonstrate at least 3 of these behaviors, you are a psychopath. If you demonstrate 2 behaviors you are "borderline."
Our marriage counselor diagnosed her "borderline" but with the caveat that he believed that if we delved deep enough into her life we'd almost certainly uncover a third diagnosable criteria which would bump up the diagnosis to "psychopath." Ex did not cooperate with therapy and so the third criteria was never discovered.
A couple of years later I'm now going to therapy alone. Therapist takes a course in ethnic sensitivity, which teaches how various ethnic behaviors which are "normal" in that culture are perceived by American therapists. After taking this class, he tells me that he's no longer so sure that she's borderline or psychopath, that maybe she's just Chinese. Ie, the behaviors that Americans call psychopath fall well within the norm for Chinese natives.
I find this fucked up. My personal opinion is that it makes no difference if she's actually a psychopath or if Chinese people normally act like psychopaths. The result is the same: life with them is hell on earth.
I was able to divorce this woman and my life is much improved although I still suffer from the aftermath. You may have more difficulty cutting ties with your mom but maybe that's what you'll need to do. Good luck.

[[i] 本帖最后由 pp_dream 于 2017-7-6 23:02 编辑 [/i]]

是一个老帖。

我大概齐了解一些这里小中娃对父母的怨气。但看了这帖子包括后面大量的评论，还是让我吓一跳。

我女儿同年级大约有不到10个孩子是小中娃，还有几个韩裔娃。几个小中小韩偶尔碰到一起便吐槽家长。有几次他们吐完槽后，我女儿回来夸我是不错的妈妈，呵呵，其实我都搞不清她是不是夸我呢，不过，至少我算一位头脑清醒理智的妈妈吧。

不过，很明显，第二代（我女儿算1.5代）亚裔孩子对于文化上的冲突感受最深。我们第一代（我是0.5代）移民，在文化上大体呈现的是稳态，东西文化冲突我们可以消化。第二代承受的文化冲突比我们大。怎么解决冲突，我觉得还是沟通沟通再沟通~~~

我自觉算是跟孩子沟通很勤快的妈妈吧，但时不时的还是会感觉到跟孩子的冲突，上周末我们俩在路上冲突了好长一段时间，呵呵，我一边开车，一边跟她辩论。辩论的题目是：种族歧视和种族偏见，以及关于虚伪和坦诚，社会矛盾，等等。

我最近因为遇到白渣房客诉诸无门（法律只是为约束我们这样的良民呵），情绪上也是比较起伏，有点仇恨社会的赶脚（不能怪我仇恨社会，实在是米弟这个社会太邪恶了）。 但我又不想让孩子受到我负面情绪影响，只是有点忍不住，反省。。。反省。。。反省。。。

[[i] 本帖最后由 pp_dream 于 2017-7-7 00:17 编辑 [/i]]

要让我儿子来控诉我，估计调调也差不多:L

我女儿这个年龄的孩子要求独立的意识非常强，她的同学里有的孩子已经自己开车自己衣食住行了，跟她同学相比，我觉得我还是管太多了:L  我已经比较注意少干涉孩子的事情，让她自己做主，我只是参谋一下。但这个年龄的孩子虽然独立意识强烈，但自控能力却跟不上，至少我女儿是这样。自控力差，让我不得不在忍无可忍时跳出来干涉一下。
做家长不易，做移二的家长就更是头大:Q

快了，快解放了，再有2年，我完成监护人的责任，彻底放手！娃她就爱谁谁去吧:P

回复 4楼pp_dream 的帖子

俺也想沟通，可是孩子满脑子就想玩电脑，啥也不想说。这孩子使出各种招数对付大妈，前几天我发现他的电脑上装了个软件，因为我有家长控制，他啥都不能装，可是他有N个理由，想了个法子让我把管理员账号给他用了几分钟，小子就装了个刷脸程序，不用密码，刷他那张脸就进系统，把我气晕了。人家iphone 8 的新功能有刷脸，他这好先进:(

回复 7楼kelly_y_chen 的帖子

:lol :lol :lol

回复 8楼pp_dream 的帖子

我现在还没有搞明白他是如何在i-pad上干的，OS 系统上可以看每个程序的 电池用量，我把这招教给我妈，第二天我儿就把他游戏的软件删除了，但是我还是知道了，因为已删除的软件使用了很大的电量，玩游戏通常这样，第三天，ipad  很烫，但是使用程序的列表里没有游戏，不知这儿子有在玩啥花招。哎，算他倒霉，大妈当年也是玩IT的，可是到了这乡下，又要做司机，做厨师，还要做阿姨，实在没有精力，可是儿子不依不饶，Windows 系统里改密码，儿子进苹果操作系统，改了苹果操作系统，他又搞ipad, 改了ipad，他又把俺手机拿走了。:'(

回复 9楼kelly_y_chen 的帖子

你儿子好可爱！是个聪明厉害的牛娃！对家长挑战很大啊:P

我女儿有自己的tablet，laptop和手机，孩子年龄大了，我完全不管她的电子设备。如果她不能自控，我会在忍无可忍时喊一嗓子。
你儿子在初中吧，到了高中会很忙的，没什么时间打游戏，顶多逛一逛social media。

还有，我的经验是要让孩子日程安排满满的，这样他们就没时间瞎折腾。

回复 10楼pp_dream 的帖子

哎，一把血泪史啊！今年读高中了，日程俺也给他排满，他在辅导中心厕所里睡觉，家教也有请到家里的。每次老师来，都躺在床上睡觉，我先跟老师寒暄一下，好说歹说，才从床上爬起来。老师来了一年半，看他不肯努力，觉得没有成就感，不来了:'( 俺没要啥成绩提高，就当做给俺看孩子，也比他跟老娘对着干，玩游戏强啊！:@

回复 11楼kelly_y_chen 的帖子

你儿子太强了！特别聪明的男孩子，不喜欢被人束缚。

这样看来，我女儿真的算听话的。我也是一直跟她沟通交流，像大朋友一样，什么都聊，又从不干涉她social media之类隐私，所以她信任我。

男孩子的养育方法不一样。男孩子青春期自带强大气场，反骨得厉害，妈妈不一定振得住他，让爸爸多参与沟通，试试效果如何。

高中了会很忙的，据说加州每年有50万毕业生，加州的竞争在全美应该是很激烈的，虽然你们有UC系，但亚裔人口最多，竞争激烈。
如果孩子爱运动，就参加校队，时间会被占得很满;
如果孩子爱音乐，参加一个乐队，那也忙死；
如果爱computer science，有各种clubs和比赛，加入一个好的club，比如参加机器人设计大赛，也会忙死；
还有各科爱好者，都有club，都有各种比赛，都会忙死

让孩子充分忙起来，时间安排满满的，反而更专注，效率更高，这是我的经验。

我知道在弯曲那里有孩子到公司做intern，到大学做研究，那么好的周边条件，利用起来，孩子有专注点了，有更大的目标和志向了，就顾不上游戏这些小把戏小儿科。