查看完整版本: Best Jokes

Best Jokes

[size=3][color=Red]Warning: Some Jokes are a humour hazard and for adults only.[/color][/size]

[size=3]Three men had a car crash, their names were Luke, John and Greg, all of them died. They were at an orientation to enter heaven and God is the host of the events. 15 mins passed and God reaches the last question and says," What would you like your family and friends to say at your funerals?"
Luke is the first to answer and says," I want people to say that he was a great guy and loved life." John says," I want my friends to say that I was the best mate they could ever have." Finally after much thought, Greg answers, " I want people to say look he's moving!"[/size].

[attach]359086[/attach]　　[attach]359087[/attach].

[size=3]A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakended from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.

she asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, " No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied," No money in the bank."

The nun asked," Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, " I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly," Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."[/size].

回复 1#不二周助 的帖子

[em08] [em15].

thanks to the best jokes,teatime gets more interesting[tt22].

[size=3]Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast..."That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad...once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathises. As they sit down she says,"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."[/size].

Thanks a lot! Here are flowers for your sharing![em08].

[size=3]A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, " it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring rain out there."

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He callls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing." replied the drunk.[/size]

[[i] 本帖最后由 不二周助 于 2009-8-22 07:55 编辑 [/i]].

[size=3]The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed:"Give for advantages of breast milk."

what to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Umm...So far so good...maybe...

But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, and sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.[/size].

[size=3]A little boy wanted to know what it was like to have $1,000. His mother told hime to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $1,000.

when the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $20. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $20 and sat down to write a thank you letter, which read as follows: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through the government. As usual, those thieves deducted $980 for tax."[/size].

[size=3]Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld.
"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"[/size].

[tt2].

[size=3]A husband and wife were moving from Illinois to Florida. The husband left 5 days earlier. He sent an e-mail to his wife when he got to their new home. He accidentally typed in the wrong address, and it was sent to an elderly woman whose husband had just died. The message read:

Dear my love, I've just arrived at my destination. Plans are made for your arrival tomorrow.
Love, your husband
P.S. It sure is warm down here.[/size].

*** 该贴被屏蔽 ***

[size=3]It was mealtime during a business class flight on QANTAS.

"Would you like dinner?" the pretty female flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.[/size].

[size=3]Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I my look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 millions dollars." Impressed, the woman took his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.[/size].

一边开心[em03] 一边献花[em08].

[size=3]What do a flood, hurricane, and a woman have in common?

Sooner or later one of them will take your house.[/size].

[size=3]Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"what's the story this time Hughie?" he asked sarcastically, "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Wee Hughie sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office, and here I am!"

"You will have to do better than that, Hughic." said his boss, disappointed, "No woman can be ready in ten mins."[/size].

[size=3]A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Futhermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out " Goodbye, Mum" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out "Goodbye ,Mum."

The little lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $ 171.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much! I only bought 5 items!"

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."[/size].

您慢慢打，我们细细看
辛苦了！[em01].

9 flowers!

smile:) laugh guffaw[em03] chuckle giggle:D grin:lol snicker snigger[em16]
beam[em08].

回复 20#不二周助 的帖子

FF[em08] [em08] [em08].

哈哈，我发现自己原来还是能看懂这些英文笑话的，原来我的英语还行啊。N多年没碰过了。.

[size=3]A blonde and a brunette were walking on the beach when a seagull left a deposit on the blondes head, the brunette said "don't worry, I will turn over to the toilet block and get some toilet paper." The blonde said, "don't waste your time, by the time you get back that seagull will be miles away."[/size].

我在看，很好笑，和这里的BBMM们分享一些相对比较短的笑话。尽量避免成人笑话，有的话我注一个A。

[[i] 本帖最后由 不二周助 于 2009-8-25 11:29 编辑 [/i]].

回复 22#嘟嘟虎妈 的帖子

这个很有意思，想到了TOEFL词汇表:).

打多慢都行，因为要看很久才会明白！[tt3].

[size=3]A
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have electrician written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine" then the wife asks, "well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have whirlpool written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine" she says, "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."
"I am not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says."Does it look like I have home depot written on my forehead? I don't think so I've had enough of you I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours..he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey," he askes, "how'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him, or bake a cake."
He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied, "Helllooo....do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"[/size].

回复 27#mayflower 的帖子

温习一下各种各样的笑.托付词汇表有这么生动哇?:) 拉你家贝贝来看看,保证一看就懂,一记就牢,丰富一下写作词汇哈..

不二周助MM,打完了麻烦您挂个压缩包在1楼方便我们下载啊!
献8朵花花![em08].

回复 31#嘟嘟虎妈 的帖子

有几千个起码，我边看边笑打发时间，看到有趣的就在这里贴贴，大家同乐。.

回复 25#不二周助 的帖子

哈哈，消化
趁么上班---guffawing。。。。。。.

[quote]原帖由 [i]嘟嘟虎妈[/i] 于 2009-8-25 12:53 发表 [url=http://ww123.net/baby/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=5692393&ptid=4668873][img]http://ww123.net/baby/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
温习一下各种各样的笑.托付词汇表有这么生动哇?:) 拉你家贝贝来看看,保证一看就懂,一记就牢,丰富一下写作词汇哈. [/quote]

当时背的时候可没那么多表情帮助记忆的，记忆中还有simper，titter.....:lol.

回复 34#mayflower 的帖子

howl,roar,smirk,snort,sneer,cackle.......:lol.

[quote]原帖由 [i]不二周助[/i] 于 2009-8-25 11:28 发表 [url=http://ww123.net/baby/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=5691648&ptid=4668873][img]http://ww123.net/baby/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]我在看，很好笑，和这里的BBMM们分享一些相对比较短的笑话。尽量避免成人笑话，有的话我注一个A。 [/quote]:lol A [attach]361315[/attach][attach]361315[/attach][attach]361315[/attach]Thanks :handshake.

回复 29#不二周助 的帖子

数数有8个JOKE开头有A[em09]       Have a joke[em16][em08].

[size=3]A
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks out into a house to look for money and a gun and finds a young couple in the bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife,
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was a gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too!"[/size].

请继续，期待中。。。。。。[em06].

[size=3]I came home from work the other night and my wife demanded that I take her somewhere really expensive.

So I took her to a petrol Station![/size].

[size=3]A

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor", the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!"

"Nonsense," the doctor said.

"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.

"It's rust."[/size].

[size=3]A

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you."[/size].

[em08].